Admittedly, I’ve been slack in my blogging. I started the year off, as I always do, with grand plans of what and how I will be this year and of course it never pans out as I imagine.
But I always find time to write when away on holiday, without the call of the washing machine, dishwasher, work or all the other daily tasks that need my attention.
This time, though, my mojo eluded me, and it wasn’t until my friend’s husband messaged me asking me to read something he’d written that I found the urge to write begin to stir again.
Feeling inspired by his words I picked up my phone to start writing again, but then I got home, got sick and I couldn’t seem to catch up with myself.
A lot has happened since I wrote a proper blog post, so I’ll start in June.
The husband planned two trips, one to Vegas for a friend’s 40th and another to Germany for the Euros. At least I would have some respite from the continuous football.
I usually look forward to the husband going away, I make plans with friends, give the house a good clean and generally enjoy some alone time. But before he was off on his first trip I found myself dreading it and I didn’t know why.
It wasn’t the fact it was vegas, it was his 3rd time going with his friends, I was just dreading being alone. My parents were away, my bestie was away, I had plans with friends but for once, I wasn’t looking forward to star fishing the bed each night with Toby.
I began to question whether I really liked being alone or if this was something I’d been telling myself for so long that I just believed it; I’m still not sure.
It was all ok though, I caught up with friends, cooked myself some nice healthy meals, went on my walks and worked on my business.
When the husband returned, he was “jet lagged.” I fetched and carried for him for the first couple of days until I too started feeling a bit under the weather.
I carried on, as you do, but then I was forced to stop. I was frustrated because I had joined a 14 day accountability group with Laura Lambe and wanted to be on form for this, but I wasn’t, I couldn’t, I knew I just needed to rest and then I was forced to.
Resting, of course, brings its own demons. With no work, housework, or anything else to distract me, I fell into a scroll hole. Hunched up in my chair, flicking endlessly between, Instagram, Facebook and TikTok. I even popped into Twitter a few times, but everyone in my feed seemed too angry about one thing or another.
I was sinking. So I did what any self respecting, self sabotaging woman would do. I decided to make a photo collage. Sounds fun doesn’t it? This wasn’t just any old photo collage though. Oh no.
This was a photo collage of me, over the past 8 years, one from each year so I can see the weight gain in one picture.
Why wait for someone else to kick you whilst you’re down when you can do it yourself?
Of course, my mood went down faster than one of those cheeses they lob off the hill. My illness halted my schedule of eating better and exercising, my self-esteem sank, and I felt very alone despite the husband being back.
I wasn’t giving up without a fight though and was determined to create my own sense of community. Working from home, for myself wasn’t helping so I joined a few online groups, one being a book club. I wanted to meet new people, something I realised I had been missing and also wanted to read more.
Another was a menopause group called Respin, which Halle Berry founded.
As we entered July, my mood was still low, and I couldn’t shake this cold/flu, whatever it was, and it was really beginning to piss me off! Even walking up the road was hard work. My energy levels were zero.
Then, the cherry on the cake was a nice little avalanche of anxiety. I had an overwhelming concern about what everyone and I mean everyone, thought about me. I believed that no one really liked me and they were just pretending for one reason or another. It was truly awful.
I’m under no illusions that everyone is going to like me, but for a short time, I had convinced myself that not a single person on this planet actually liked me, and it was utterly horrific; I cried a lot about this.
The mind is a fucked up thing. It can have you believing all sorts of things, like that time I thought I was getting fired because I had outed my boss as gay (I hadn’t, and everyone already knew)
But then, the clouds began to lift. I started to feel better, started to believe the husbands soothing words when I cried to him about the most minuscule things and the world began to seem bright again. As deep down, I knew it would.
The downward slide began its upward slope. I got back out walking; I had a returning client and one new client for my business, and life began to feel good again.
Hope sat side by side with me again and I embraced it like a long lost friend.
And that is how I feel now as I write this on the beach, listening to the waves crash in Turkey, hopeful. Because no matter what is happening, there is always something to hope for ❤️
In June & July
I am proud of relaunching my business
I practised self-care by resting when my body needed it and being open in therapy sessions
One thing I’m grateful for is the husband for his seemingly never-ending patience
One thing I want to accomplish next month is be more accountable for my health and fitness
One thing I can improve upon next month is to move more
What I’ve been watching –
Dark Matter on Apple TV, based on the book of the sane name by Blake Crouch
Presumed Innocent on Apple TV
What I’ve been reading –
Hagitude by Sharon Blackie
Amanda Goetz Game of Life Newsletter, so much wisdom every week?!
Final Thought
I saw this on Lucy Lords Supper Club email and wanted to share – “Taking care of yourself doesn’t need to mean ‘me first’, it just needs to mean ‘me too’.
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From Brunches to Broadway – My Birthday Adventures in the Big Apple
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